Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
