at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
