my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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