Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
