Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
