The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
We had sex on a dog bed..
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
