Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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