Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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