You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
