She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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