ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
