she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
