Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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