I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
you traded sex for a burrito?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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