The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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