My Higher Power is John Stamos
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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