Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
