my phone needs a breathalizer
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
