not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
