I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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