I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
