he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
