just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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