I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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