Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
