I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
