I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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