Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
