I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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