now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
