Swine flu. Run for my life!
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
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