M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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