I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
