Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
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