oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Randomize
