I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
