the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
