Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
