he puts the penis in happiness.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
birth control should be required to get into college
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
