My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Randomize
