Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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