mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
