Is it normal to miss your booty call?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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