Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
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