Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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