I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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