Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
He told me they were just razor bumps!
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
