FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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