$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
