I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Randomize
